Being Weak and Knowing it...

.. makes You a tiny bit stronger.

sometimes however it is not enough. Living through life people do and remember various things.

But what if there is nothing to remember.. or You don't want to remember?

there was a time when I wanted to remember and when I understood that I needed to forget.

I did forget, but my Psyche got weakened.

Now I smile. I am able to smile through most of the time. But it cost me a lot, and I'm still working on it bloody hard. I'm aware of the condition of my emotional shape so I will not allow anybody to invade my space and force me to choose from options meaning nothing good for me..

this week is just too wicked. I am not going to take responsibility for somebody's ..ucked up decisions. 

I might be naive.. but I'm having a lot to do to protect myself...

I'm sorry...

good night. I hope that next post would be cheerful.

OA

a Different Ghost

As I was saying before i encountered a ghost some time ago. But I managed to get over him and to get over the past it connected me with. Maybe not entirely - but it was enough to stop thinking and talking about it.

Yesterday the ghost struck again - but this time from a different and rather unexpected side. There was another ghost - who reminded me about the first one - and he did it out loud.

and there goes the veil - the metaphor of a ghost goes to a girl whom I loved and who stopped loving me. Happens. But I couldn't get over it for a long time. For too long.

Eventually I did but the bodycount was terrible. 

The second ghost - that's somebody who said: I still remember how it was then.

After six Years... I must have lost it then for real if the damage was so total.

But I'm not going to give up to this ghost either.

Not now.. not ever...

I'm too old for childish plays... or am I.

I'm going to sleep (well). 

Good night

OA

A Key to Understanding Oneself

I found myself asking me one question recently: why?-what were You thinking?

So these are two questions, but the way I asked them, they were one.

The reason was me not understanding my own decisions recently. There were quite a few mistakes I've made by not thinking sufficiently about the possible dangers. One of the biggest was trying to live with two cats under one roof. The trick is that this was MY roof. very soon I found myself being angry - I was the alpha male in that herd and so I felt it was MY right to make a mess under that roof - the cats did not agree. The war started...

...and came to a sudden and rather unexpected end.

it appeared I was allergic... the cats must go.

But i did some preparations, I've come to some costs just to prove that in the end the decision wasn't thought over. At least I don't have to worry - those little menaces went to good families. None of them happened to meet chinese cuisine. (har... har... har... )

but there were more decisions I should think over more ...

Well, when the temporary troubles pass, I'll ned to do the bodycount and the damage report, and take my lesson. Till then - taking care for the less loss.

OA 

 

One Has to Love One's Uncle

One of many - completely ununderstandable thoughts that have recently crossed my mind.

My Uncle - an educated man - has a very inspiring sense of humor. Ever since I was a little boy, whenever I went to visit him and his family (and mine too) - and that usually happened during summer break - he gave me some "responsible" tasks. Cut the wood, mow the lawn, clean the house, wash the car - the usual things I could be forced to do at home instead of having a little piece of Vacation. The trick with him was, that he never said it was a punishment or anything of the kind. It usually happened the other way. We've been very calm and polite - my and my cousins - and so said our Grandma. Uncle came and said - oh really? then, as a reward You can bring the water from the well and mow the lawn.

And that is exactly, how it happened every time. An appropriate stress of the "You can" part and it worked miracles.

Maybe I should apply the method to my doings?

OA

There It Goes

A New Year came.. an Old one went away. My nose's running just as it was in the older days.
I can't see a change.
There is however a New Hope.
Yes Young Master - New Chances have You will. New people You meet and New troubles fight Will You.

We'll live we'll judge.

Now I'm going back to bed.. to get better ...
well.. to get well even...

Have a Nicer Year, You.

OA